Monday, August 29, 2011

I need a hobby, or three

They always told us in school that the most important thing you can do for your acting career is to have other interests that you explore regularly.

I thought I had hobbies. I know I have interests; I have things I want to see and accomplish. But honestly, I think the most difficult thing about 'real life' so far is the feeling of purposelessness that comes from not having a set, rigorous schedule that I have to follow. It's up to me to entertain myself, motivate myself, inspire myself.

I have to admit that most days I feel like I'm floundering. I have days where I'm busy, and I know I accomplish a lot. I even have days where I feel artistically inspired (which is becoming sadly refreshing instead of normal). But most days I'm struggling to not be nostalgic or listless.

When my mind is on Seattle, I feel like I'm in forward motion. I know that once I'm there, I can move at a pace that is much more suited to my needs. And I know that in the mean time I should be enjoying this 'relaxation' time while I have it. I'm terrible at relaxing though. I'm terrible at watching and hearing about other people accomplishing things while I sit still.

Mostly I find that I have issues with not moving up some sort of inner social/professional ladder that I've conjured up to keep myself motivated. I need to be part of a group that is working towards a goal. I don't remember being such a social creature before college, but it's clear to me now that this is what I have become.

The frustration that comes from realizing all these things and still somehow being unable to change the situation seems constant. But the moments of clarity that break through occasionally and allow me to breathe and reevaluate myself are becoming more numerous. Slowly I feel like I'm grasping back my sanity and working towards the purpose that I've lost.

I really can't wait until I'm holding it down so it can't escape.

Monday, August 1, 2011

Be the crazy you see in the world

Last night we had our company meeting before strike, and something was said that I hadn't thought about before. Professor B, who is the Artistic Director of the Okoboji Summer Theatre said," This is the last time this company will be gathered together, so enjoy each other." I found that sad until she also said," But that's theatre."

That is so true. Theatre is all about people coming in and out of your life, and allowing them to have a lasting affect on who you are and how you make your art. I've learned so much from meeting so many new people this summer. I've strengthened my previous relationships with students, and I've made some amazing friends. Some might even follow me out to Seattle.

What she said made me really excited to go out and start meeting more people and have more unforgettable experiences that will shape me. Seattle will be such an adventure. And when I'm ready to move on from there, maybe Chicago or New York or L.A. will hold more opportunities for me.

Of course it's sad to see these people go so soon, but it's highly possible that I will meet and work with some of them again someday. And that is the other great thing about theatre. Even though shows end, the world of theatre is so small that you're bound to end up collaborating with the people you love again and again.

I've spent entirely too many days looking up jobs on craigslist, and I've decided that it's depressing to find jobs I'd be good at when the position will be filled far before I move. I'm ready to take a break from this job hunt for a small moment and instead focus on how awesome my last weeks up here will be. I couldn't have asked for a better summer.