They always told us in school that the most important thing you can do for your acting career is to have other interests that you explore regularly.
I thought I had hobbies. I know I have interests; I have things I want to see and accomplish. But honestly, I think the most difficult thing about 'real life' so far is the feeling of purposelessness that comes from not having a set, rigorous schedule that I have to follow. It's up to me to entertain myself, motivate myself, inspire myself.
I have to admit that most days I feel like I'm floundering. I have days where I'm busy, and I know I accomplish a lot. I even have days where I feel artistically inspired (which is becoming sadly refreshing instead of normal). But most days I'm struggling to not be nostalgic or listless.
When my mind is on Seattle, I feel like I'm in forward motion. I know that once I'm there, I can move at a pace that is much more suited to my needs. And I know that in the mean time I should be enjoying this 'relaxation' time while I have it. I'm terrible at relaxing though. I'm terrible at watching and hearing about other people accomplishing things while I sit still.
Mostly I find that I have issues with not moving up some sort of inner social/professional ladder that I've conjured up to keep myself motivated. I need to be part of a group that is working towards a goal. I don't remember being such a social creature before college, but it's clear to me now that this is what I have become.
The frustration that comes from realizing all these things and still somehow being unable to change the situation seems constant. But the moments of clarity that break through occasionally and allow me to breathe and reevaluate myself are becoming more numerous. Slowly I feel like I'm grasping back my sanity and working towards the purpose that I've lost.
I really can't wait until I'm holding it down so it can't escape.
This post captures everything I've been thinking and feeling the last 3 weeks. I know exactly where you're coming from. It's hard transitioning from a busy summer full of working in theatre and building artistic relationships to moving back home. I've found it really hard to find things to do with my time during the day.
ReplyDeleteI think this has been the scariest part of being out of college. The true realization that you really must motivate and inspire yourself daily in order to move forward in your career. It's SO hard!
Enjoy the moments at home. Moving in two days is also terrifying. Exciting, but terrifying. Not sure what to expect. I have to keep reminding myself that I will still be able to come home. :)
Love you, miss you. Loved this post, very much.